On the way to my office the other day, I received a call on my cell phone from my bestie, Zeeshan. He yelled to inquire about my availability for watching a movie on the weekend. Fully cognizant of the fact that I have to make presentations for my company’s upcoming board meeting, I heard myself saying yes and, after some exchange of pleasantries, I hung up the phone. Deep down in my heart, I was fully convinced that I have no intention of keeping my promise. This is one of the countless incidences where we felt ashamed of saying no, even if we mean it. We do not make ourselves believe that we do not know how to say no without saying no.
Ever wondered, how difficult it is to say no to somebody? Irrespective of social norms, values, culture, ethnicity and language, saying no is often considered as impolite and rude. Even if someone calls you to accompany him for a walk in the night, you cannot say that that time is when I prefer to be with myself only. What to say about our right to be ourselves? Say no to someone seems like being aggressor and rejecting other. Who wants to be an aggressor or rejected by someone? Whether you are a salesman or a chairman, of 25 years of age or 85, in a classroom of Uganda or a boardroom of USA and in personal life or professional life, saying no will remain a daunting task, you will love to avoid.
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According to academic coach Mary McKinney, PhD, who published Successful Academic News, saying no is a more challenging task for women because of their societal pressure to be likeable all the times. As always, there are exceptions. Some people can say “no” without any feeling of guilt. Those who have a natural tendency of saying “yes” to whatever somebody else says, will eventually regret their saying so in future. If saying “no” upsets you, you are an agreeable person. Nothing wrong with that. Our society needs more of agreeable persons. However, this agreeable personality should not be at the cost of your own peace of mind, convenience or luxury. After all, if you do not take the responsibility of your peace of mind, who else will.
is to be noted that there is nothing wrong in saying “no”. The only thing matters is how you say it. Below are some simple strategies which might be helpful in saying no without saying no. So, let’s explore how to say no.
Be polite but firm: Mind it, you do not need to offer lame excuses. It will provide an opportunity to the other person for molding you. What is important is that you should have a clear vision for your decision, be it a yes or no. If you feel necessary, you may opt to provide a brief explanation. However, it is always better to say lesser.
Be aware of the consequences of saying yes: Saying yes to the little requests requiring our 5-10 minutes seems no big deal. In fact, it is the demand of being courteous and considerate and a symbol of civic sense and sensibility. However, these little amounts of time pile up over time to become big obstruction on your way to growth and success. It is no wonder that top executives, despite being busy in their hectic work schedule, always find time to spend with their families, read books or watch movies or just do whatever they want to do in their leisure time. These people understand the anathema of saying yes to every little request coming in their way. They know how to plan their time and use it in desired fashion. Noted Billionaire and investor Warren Buffet aptly said, “The difference between successful and very successful people is that very successful people say no to almost everything”.
Know that saying no is no crime: Agreed that being selfish is not correct socially, culturally and ethically. You need to realize that being 100% selfless is also counter-productive. You have the right to think about yourself, feel about yourself and be with yourself. We feel ashamed of saying no as other person will feel bad or will be angry. Unfortunately these are mere self-created illusions. If other person is open-minded, sincere and caring, he will surely feel your situation and let it go. One of the most unpredictable things in life is life itself. In our daily life, some situations demand that we say no in a plain, loud and clear way. Saying no is not an issue. What matters is how you say it.
Use of medium matters: Although poorly understood, choice of medium matters a lot. The choice of an appropriate medium to convey your message – face-to-face, emailing, SMS, social media, phone call or even others speaks a lot about your sense of respect and courtesy level. Sometimes sending a SMS or a Whatsapp message cannot be acceptable, when a face-to-face meeting is required. Wisdom lies in the choice of an appropriate medium in a particular scenario.
Simplicity is the key to everything: It usually pays to be simple. In business parlance, you must have heard the term KISS-“Keep it simple stupid.” The same principle can easily be applied to your personal life. In this fast-paced and dynamic world, nobody has the time to scrutinize or investigate a complex answers. Just keep it simple – let the other person know that you are not able to entertain his request. A brief explanation is desirable but definitely not essential. There is no need to over-explain a scenario when a simple message of “I am afraid I would not be able to do it. My apologies.” can work.
Saying no does not mean being disrespectful: We usually assume that by saying no to someone, we appear to be disrespectful or inconsiderate to say the least. Thankfully, this is far from reality. When we say no to someone politely and firmly, we send a message that we mean what we say and say what we mean. Saying no is, by no means, being disrespectful. It is the manner in which we say so determines our respect level.
Offer an alternative if feasible: If you have to say no to someone and still want to facilitate him, it is always welcoming to offer an alternative whenever possible. It will cast a good image of yours over the other. Your courtesy and sincerity will be valued. If someone asks you for company for a movie on Saturday and you have appointments on that day, why not propose Sunday?
Less accessible or more reachable: Being available all the time for all and sundry is neither useful nor tasteful. Being less accessible has its own sense of mystery and curiosity. Whenever you are bombarded with innumerable requests, take your time to respond them according to your schedule and convenience. Your prompt response to every request will send a signal that you are always available whenever you are required, which is of course not correct.
Jot down your response first: Confused about how to say no to someone? It is always a good practice to jot down the main points of your response. Writing will ease your tension and will succour your peace of mind. It will also be helpful in articulating a proper response to someone’s request.
Delay your response: Whenever your response in not positive about a request, it is always better to delay it as long as possible. Sometimes, delay in replying to a request means you are not very keen on it. However, there is a word of caution. Delaying an urgent or important request may prove fatal for your relationship with the other person.
No reply is also a form of reply: Just as your silence implies your consent, your no response to a request is also a form of your response, which is usually not positive. Although it is always courteous and modest to write a personal, customized message, leaving a request unattended signifies that you are less interested in it. If you have said no to a request and the person still persists, then no response is probably the best response.
It takes courage to say no as saying yes is very easy, everybody can say yes, observed former British Prime Minister-Tony Blair. The skill of saying no teaches us an important and vital aspect of embracing what is urgent and important and discarding the rest for a healthy and fulfilled life. Saying no may be awkward for you but not saying no at the appropriate moment may prove disastrous for you. Saying no politely and firmly can save you a lot of unwanted hassles. As the former CEO and co-founder of Apple Inc, Steve Jobs, has aptly said that it is only by saying “No” that you can concentrate on the things that are really important.
Contributed by Nadeem Akhtar, an investment banker and blogger.
References
https://www.inc.com/jonathan-alpert/7-ways-to-say-no-to-someone-and-not-feel-bad-about-it.html
https://www.apa.org/gradpsych/2013/11/say-no
https://www.grammarly.com/blog/saying-no/
https://www.lifehack.org/articles/communication/problems-saying-11-ready-tips-say-others.html
https://www.fastcompany.com/40519741/what-happened-when-i-avoided-saying-no-problem-for-a-month
